“The songs are so good.”  
— NEXT Magazine


When I was a little boy, my father said to me,

"Hamlet.  Hamlet.  Hamlet!

Someday you must pick a bride."

Then, when I was older and he showed me this decree

I thought, dammit, dammit, Hamlet.

How will you decide?

O this too, too solid flesh

Is a rather royal mess.

It's a rotten state I'm in.

Elsinore is waiting. 

People want a mating,

Turning me from kith to kin.

Tho' I try to pick a bride,

I get kinda sick inside.

What a piece of work I am!

Ev'rything depends on me

Branching out the fam'ly tree.

Tis an awful jam.

So I must go wadin' through maidens who strayed in

Paradin' their pure pedigree.

Faceless and sure,

They're too pure and demure for me.

Each one's a paler and frailer upscaler

Who's tailored me into her cause.

Such is my fate — as it clearly doth state

In this damn little wooing clause!


When I was a little girl, my momma said to me,

"Putchnik.  Putchnik.  Putchnik,

Someday you will be a bride."

Then, when I discovered joys of femininity, I think

Putchnik.  Putchnik.  Putchnik.

You must help the man decide.

I say to myself, Ivana,

You must do the wooing cause

Russian men have rushin' paws

And do not know ways to woo.

Over time Ivana learn

And her Russian heart has burn.

I teach what I learn to you.

Be a little big, little man.

Hunt a heart as best you can.

Just show her how you feel.

Girl will never read your mind.

And she leave you far behind

At her heel.

Good girls grow fewer.  You found one, so woo her

For you are her heart's missing twin.

You must convey, how you say, all the way from within.

Love is a dance and a glance of romance still enchants

If you let it because

You can't refrain or abstain, little Dane,

Once you're slain by the wooing claws.

copyright: Miloscia Music

Music by Kenneth Kacmar

from “If the Shoe Fits...”

The Wooing Clause/The Wooing Claws


Performed by

Joey Sorge,

Mary Stout

Accompaniment & Orchestration by Kenneth Kacmar



All Lyrics by Joe Miloscia