“The songs are so good.”  
— NEXT Magazine

EVIL FRENCH BALLET MISTRESS

What happened to my golden days?

The grand chateaus and cabarets…

When music played and we’d parade along the Seine.

Ah, the world was wrapped around my finger.

Mais oui, I remember it when.


But all my joys have slipped away.

No silk chapeaus, no cremé brulee.

My escargot has up and gone.  Au’voir, my pet.

When once I ringed my neck with pearls,

Now I wring necks of Little girls.

Mon Dieu, how much worse can it get?



Every single day, I have to endure

Crazy little girls, each claiming she’s a dancer.

How Byzantine!


Every one the same, each an amateur.

Stupid little churls expecting me to answer,

“Dear, how divine!”


Well, they think they’re Juliet, perfect for Giselle…

And they’re here to dance Odette or a Cinderell— Agh!

They haven’t got the grace, haven’t got the style.

And they’re always out of place, ever juvenile!


Acting as if they flit and fly,

Soft as a sparrow in the sky.

Darling, the very idea is absurd.

Dainty little sparrow. 

Dainty little dancing bird.

Foolish little peasant.

Common little cleaning girl!



SNOOTY DAUGHTER FIFI

Oh Momma,

I understand the way you feel —

Those common girls always under heel,

Without the flair or savoir-faire they need to shine.

Momma, I’m afraid that it is useless.

What good is casting pearls before such swine?


Every single day, Olga has to sew,

Stitching something new to help them look entrancing

Beneath the lights.


But their girlish little flesh rises up like dough,

Popping out the tutu, weighing down the dancing.

What appetites!


You’d need miles and miles of tulle,

Piles and piles to baste.

And some sequins by the spool

Just to hide the waist.

Plus their muddy little hands… ruddy little face…

Mais oui, what is one to do given such a case?


BALLET MISTRESS

With their arms like wooden pegs…


FIFI

Blemishes and bites…


BALLET MISTRESS

And their pudgy little legs


FIFI

Stretching out the tights!


BALLET MISTRESS

Think they’ll walk in off the street


FIFI

In their Sunday best,


BALLET MISTRESS

Then just jump up on their feet


FIFI

And we’ll be impressed.


BALLET MISTRESS

Screaming ballet is in their blood.


FIFI

Seeming like they had bathed in mud.


BALLET MISTRESS

Dreaming their every thud would not be heard.


FIFI

Misfit little children.


BALLET MISTRESS

Yes!  “Misfit” is the perfect word.


BOTH

Common little peasant.

Ugly little cleaning girl.

Crazy little—


BALLET MISTRESS

What did you say your name was?



copyright: Miloscia Music

Music by Kenneth Kacmar

from “If the Shoe Fits...”

Crazy Little Girl

TO LISTEN CLICK HERE


Performed by

Jan Neuberger,

Amanda Butterbaugh


Accompaniment & Orchestration by Kenneth Kacmar

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All Lyrics by Joe Miloscia