“The songs are so good.”  
— NEXT Magazine

All the Cute Ones

Music by Kenneth Kacmar

from “Boys WIll Be Boys”

I thought I found a good man —

Like my better half.

But now the laugh is on me.

This ain’t the first time.

It’s happened before.

It just hits me so suddenly.

My man called me this morning with something to say.

He promised he loved me — in his own “special way.”

I didn’t see it,

Though signs were on display.

It seems that all the cute ones…  are gay.

I don’t know why he’d rather fuck a guy.

I don’t know quite what to say.

Who knew the boy swung that way?

Oh, why couldn’t he just feel the flame?

I mean, he DID feel the flame —

Much too much of the flame!

I never thought that I would ever say,

“I wish my man had much less class.”

I want him scratchin’ and belchin’ away.

I’d even love him passin’ some gas.

Now I feel like I’m coming unglued.

I can’t compete with a dude.

I think I’m totally screwed!

So ladies, beware if your man is too buff,

If he keeps his chest smooth but he likes his face rough…

If he listens to Sondheim entirely too much,

It’s a sign.

Just take my advice,

It’s the wrong way to go.

‘Cause I’m telling you now that the man is a ‘mo,

If he likes wearing t-shirts two sizes too tight,

Goes dancing at Roxy each Saturday night…

If he cried for a week after Sex and the City,

Is cloyingly neat and annoyingly witty…

If he names all his pets after dead female movie stars,

Spends too much time at the gym and piano bars…

Has more facial products than farewells by Cher

And he keeps his cosmetic case stocked up with Nair…

Is much too obsessed about trimming his hair —


Oh, why are all the cute ones —

The funny and astute ones —

Why are all the cute ones gay?

copyright: Miloscia Music


For video click here

Performed by

Alysha Umphress

Accompaniment by Wendy Bobbitt Cavett



All Lyrics by Joe Miloscia